Now the Towers are back there's an advent surprise over here. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
OK, then, everyone, Greasy Chip Butty Towers is closing down for a couple of days over xmas to do traditional things with people I havn't seen for 2 years.. Thanks for reading, hope you have a great xmas, and I'll see you soon!
Now the Towers are back there's an advent surprise over here. Enjoy!
Now the Towers are back there's an advent surprise over here. Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Monday, December 22, 2003
There are approximately two billion children (person under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say, that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second---3,000 times the sound of speed. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 M.P.S. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
It's no wonder in the 364 days before xmas eve, he's busy making the porn site Sex with Santa.com
This is to say, that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second---3,000 times the sound of speed. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 M.P.S. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
It's no wonder in the 364 days before xmas eve, he's busy making the porn site Sex with Santa.com
Surprise party.
NOT for Work. NOT for Minors. NOT for the easily offended. For most of you just click away then.
NOT for Work. NOT for Minors. NOT for the easily offended. For most of you just click away then.
Nativity Play. Techno Style-e.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Infuriating. A bit like drunk snooker, only worse.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Ok, bear with me. Light travels, bloody quick right? Christ knows how many points it has got on it's licence, but I'm betting it has trouble getting insurance.
Anyway, turns out, space (that black stuff you see at night) is pretty bloody big. And even though light is like sh!t off a shovel, it still takes bloody ages to travel to the earth so we can see it. With me so far? Good.
Now, the joint astronomy centre has built something that looks at all the stars and based on your birthday can calculate the light that is now reaching the earth of an actual star whose journey began when you were born. Heres mine. It's in the constellation Virgo. It is called 61 Virginis in the Historia Cœlestis Britannica of John Flamsteed and Edmund Halley.
This might be a load of old b*llocks, but it is never the less and impressive load of of b*llocks.
Anyway, turns out, space (that black stuff you see at night) is pretty bloody big. And even though light is like sh!t off a shovel, it still takes bloody ages to travel to the earth so we can see it. With me so far? Good.
Now, the joint astronomy centre has built something that looks at all the stars and based on your birthday can calculate the light that is now reaching the earth of an actual star whose journey began when you were born. Heres mine. It's in the constellation Virgo. It is called 61 Virginis in the Historia Cœlestis Britannica of John Flamsteed and Edmund Halley.
This might be a load of old b*llocks, but it is never the less and impressive load of of b*llocks.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Fun with Google.
One of these pictures in a search through Googles image library is not like the others. Can you spot it?
Google Search: Spaghetti Junction
Did you find it? Good aren't you clever! Now, can you find this one?
Google Search: Skyscrapers
One of these pictures in a search through Googles image library is not like the others. Can you spot it?
Google Search: Spaghetti Junction
Did you find it? Good aren't you clever! Now, can you find this one?
Google Search: Skyscrapers
THE BUREAU OF MISSING SOCKS
The Bureau of Missing Socks is the first organization solely devoted to solving the question of what happens to missing single socks. It explores all aspects of the phenomena including the occult, conspiracy theories, and extraterrestrial.
The Bureau of Missing Socks is the first organization solely devoted to solving the question of what happens to missing single socks. It explores all aspects of the phenomena including the occult, conspiracy theories, and extraterrestrial.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Mills crowned Tory leader.
Sorry James, I think we've set off on the wrong foot. I know you don't know me from Adam, nor me you, but I think I went a bit overboard the other night on your site and so apologies for the swearing. Any open discussion should be welcomed, and I'm sure your sense of humour will find the above at least in some part funny. Best of luck with your site - I wasn't trying to be clever with my comments, just didn't know whether you knew!
Check back every now and again, you never know, you may find something I say funny to use on your site rather than the Torygraph editorials *JOKE*.
:-)
All the best and Merry Christmas.
Sorry James, I think we've set off on the wrong foot. I know you don't know me from Adam, nor me you, but I think I went a bit overboard the other night on your site and so apologies for the swearing. Any open discussion should be welcomed, and I'm sure your sense of humour will find the above at least in some part funny. Best of luck with your site - I wasn't trying to be clever with my comments, just didn't know whether you knew!
Check back every now and again, you never know, you may find something I say funny to use on your site rather than the Torygraph editorials *JOKE*.
:-)
All the best and Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Sorry chaps, but the image of Phil Jagielka (blatently ripped off from the Sheffield United website) is for long time reader Ally. Merry Xmas. [For everyone else normal service will be resumed over the weekend with Holly Valance :) ]
I'm a 48% aging hypocrite.
The quiz may be a bit flawed, I've always liked Stilton and moaned about my back.
The quiz may be a bit flawed, I've always liked Stilton and moaned about my back.
Bogus English Japanese dictionary, where every phrase is wrong.
"Four family members from Osaka were thrilled see their favorite American singer coming out of a ritzy store in Beverly Hills. While waving frantically, they shouted out what they believed to be, 'We love you so much.' Unfortunately, what they really said was, 'We're here to take your head.' The four were arrested and detained for six hours by police. "
"Four family members from Osaka were thrilled see their favorite American singer coming out of a ritzy store in Beverly Hills. While waving frantically, they shouted out what they believed to be, 'We love you so much.' Unfortunately, what they really said was, 'We're here to take your head.' The four were arrested and detained for six hours by police. "
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
We've recently been messing around with binary converters. Bugger me if JPG 2 ASC isn't the best thing you've seen sinced sliced bread. The person that did this probably has no idea how good he actually is and is just messing around with the t'internet for fun. The twat. :)
I'm going to regret this, but James, James, James, James, James. *tut, tut, tut, tut, tut*
I'm sure your a nice bloke when your not scrumming down, shitting in each other pints and drinking your own piss after rugger, but do you honestly believe most of the rubbish you've got on your site?
I don't get offended easily, and although I would say I'm a Labour supporter I am far from happy with the way things are being run at the moment. It's just I look at your site and am thankful that I have never before, or ever will vote Tory. I'm sorry James, by all means leave a comment, but it's just...Ohhh....Christ.....So.....Stereotypical. Come on appeal to the masses not the 'not in my back yard brigade.'
BTW the link from your blog site to your political site is broken. What I assume is your photo cannot be linked to from server conservativesintouch.com (ha ha) website. I worked it out but how many potential voters will be put off by the fact that it is still devoid of any meaningful content. Also, come on James, you've come this far - break the template. It's not all Tory Blue and Yellow. Bugger it and put your old school colours in there or something. Remember Giles Brandreth! Everyone loves an eccentric don’t you know.
Rant over.
I'm sure your a nice bloke when your not scrumming down, shitting in each other pints and drinking your own piss after rugger, but do you honestly believe most of the rubbish you've got on your site?
I don't get offended easily, and although I would say I'm a Labour supporter I am far from happy with the way things are being run at the moment. It's just I look at your site and am thankful that I have never before, or ever will vote Tory. I'm sorry James, by all means leave a comment, but it's just...Ohhh....Christ.....So.....Stereotypical. Come on appeal to the masses not the 'not in my back yard brigade.'
BTW the link from your blog site to your political site is broken. What I assume is your photo cannot be linked to from server conservativesintouch.com (ha ha) website. I worked it out but how many potential voters will be put off by the fact that it is still devoid of any meaningful content. Also, come on James, you've come this far - break the template. It's not all Tory Blue and Yellow. Bugger it and put your old school colours in there or something. Remember Giles Brandreth! Everyone loves an eccentric don’t you know.
Rant over.
Leave your message here.
Avoid ducks and sharks. Collect presents. Surfing Santa left me very neutral.
Monday, December 08, 2003
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Got a headache? No? Want one?
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
I have 2 of the25 -should-never-have-been-released-albums. However, thanks to an email from John, I have now unistalled, cleaned my machine and installed kazzaa-lite which is working like a dream. If I wanted too I could probably download every album on there. Except, that of course, would be illegal.
Although I admit I went at it a bit gung ho, I couldn't realise why I kept failing thisonline driving test. Took be about 10 goes to finally realise that the yanks drive on the wrong side of the road!
Bloody hell. I regulary give blood through the National Blood transfusion service that comes to my work, but Christ - Theres a shit up for you.
I must stress however, I will carry on donating and hope you do to...
I must stress however, I will carry on donating and hope you do to...
Austrian Shop workers demand Xmas muzak compensation. Any chance of extending this to customers?
I'm having one of my moments - if you don't get it forget it!
12 years ago, I wasted 2 years of my life studying French Revolutionary France and Industrial Revolution Britain. As part of it we had to study the effects David's paintings had on the revolution and as such I had to write an essay of the effects the death of Marat had on the time. I never forgot old 'sewer rat' and was on the verge of tears of laughter when I saw how someone - with more talent than I will ever have in my life - has not only turned Marat into a Meercat but the fact that the petition he is writing is actually now of of cock. I marvel and bow down to the power of the Internet.
12 years ago, I wasted 2 years of my life studying French Revolutionary France and Industrial Revolution Britain. As part of it we had to study the effects David's paintings had on the revolution and as such I had to write an essay of the effects the death of Marat had on the time. I never forgot old 'sewer rat' and was on the verge of tears of laughter when I saw how someone - with more talent than I will ever have in my life - has not only turned Marat into a Meercat but the fact that the petition he is writing is actually now of of cock. I marvel and bow down to the power of the Internet.
Star Wars Fans. You have to love them. Don't you?? (Take care with this link at work)
Jacko's Per Pro
When I was there, there was an entry: "I didn't swallow so, it wasn't sex." Too True.
When I was there, there was an entry: "I didn't swallow so, it wasn't sex." Too True.
Mr. Picassohead I think the signature bit is the best part.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Dundee Woman becomes first person to be caught using phone whilst driving, 2 hours after it became law. Police did not prosecute her for that, but did her for drink driving instead. LOL
Harsh, but probably fair.
The Sinatra Number Theory
Mathematicians have developed a new advanced number theory - The Sinatra Number Theory.
Sinatra numbers, like pure numbers are not easily understood by mere mortals, but given the intellect level on this site I thought you may actually understand this.
According to top mathematicians, the best-known example of a pure sinatra number is 14,991,338,361,953,636,352, although partial sinatra numbers are known to exist too. Sinatra numbers are one of nature's wonders, having special and unusual properties that make them unlike non-sinatra numbers. To investigate these properties, you need to display the sinatra number in hexadecimal format.
Run Windows Calculator, click View, Scientific and select the 'Dec' radio button. Enter the sinatra number (copy and paste works) and then click the 'Hex' radio button to see the transformation.
Mathematicians have developed a new advanced number theory - The Sinatra Number Theory.
Sinatra numbers, like pure numbers are not easily understood by mere mortals, but given the intellect level on this site I thought you may actually understand this.
According to top mathematicians, the best-known example of a pure sinatra number is 14,991,338,361,953,636,352, although partial sinatra numbers are known to exist too. Sinatra numbers are one of nature's wonders, having special and unusual properties that make them unlike non-sinatra numbers. To investigate these properties, you need to display the sinatra number in hexadecimal format.
Run Windows Calculator, click View, Scientific and select the 'Dec' radio button. Enter the sinatra number (copy and paste works) and then click the 'Hex' radio button to see the transformation.
Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger,Badger, Badger,Badger,Badger, BadgerBadger,Badger, BadgerBadger,Badger, BadgerBadger,Badger, Badger. MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM.
All rather brilliant. Thanks to Bens mate Bazz for the link. Also thanks to James for the 34 acts of fellatio via the oral sex donation system, not quite what I had in mind for that, but thanks never the less :)
All rather brilliant. Thanks to Bens mate Bazz for the link. Also thanks to James for the 34 acts of fellatio via the oral sex donation system, not quite what I had in mind for that, but thanks never the less :)
Monday, December 01, 2003
Now it's December, and although I'm sure your probably fed up of the 'xmas spirit' being thrust down your throat since October in the shops, Greasy Chip Butty has decided to get into the swing of things. For the duration of advent, the cooling towers are taking a rest to be replaced at strategic intervals, mostly by very lovely ladies (I would include men here, but I dont think the demographic of readers would approve - you could always prove me wrong by posting to the comments your disaproval.)
Hope you enjoy and to kick us off, for one day only, here's the Kylie video that caused Greasy Chip Butty to go down for a few weeks in February after it ate all the monthly bandwith limit in a single afternoon after a posting at Viewpoints.
Merry Xmas.
Hope you enjoy and to kick us off, for one day only, here's the Kylie video that caused Greasy Chip Butty to go down for a few weeks in February after it ate all the monthly bandwith limit in a single afternoon after a posting at Viewpoints.
Merry Xmas.
